Notes to myself

What I want to talk about today? Well, after a long day (today I was very busy) I feel like I should talk about something very important in our lifes - firendship. For me, to make friends always was hard but after few years of searching for perfect squad I finally found what I was looking for. At first, everything were good, I liked my friends a lot, they liked me, we always had what to talk about, every lunch break we were sitting together, eating and gossiping about our school students. After a year I had to change school because finally I could go from countryside school to city school. First, I thought it was really cool and I finally I can leave this small countryside but what I wasn't thinking about was my friends and how I'm going to still stay connected to them.
It was hard. I lost connection with them almost immediately. We tried to meet every Friday but because we were studying in different schools it was very hard to do because if one Friday they have any event at their, another Friday there was event at my school. We all were busy and couldn't stay connected.
I and one of my friends were at summer camp together and it didn't worked as I hoped so she was the first of our friend group that we felt we were not bff's anymore. After these years they all started to go to city gimnasium. Then I had three friends and just one of them choosed to go to the same gimnasium where I was going.  This one friend is my only bff now. With one of the rest two I never felt very close to so I knew we won't be friends anymore and my other friend found a lot of new friends at his new gimnasium.
I felt alone. What I hadn't wrote about is how all this time I were and still am stuck in toxic friendship. When I left countryside scool and decided to go to city school I was going with my friend from art school together. We didn't spent much time together before that so I actually didn't knew her very well. First, it was like comments about my appearance and what I did wrong. I didn't felt like it was effecting me until I understood that I started to feel very insecure about myself. I always felt like I was arguing with her because no matter what I say she will always say the opposite thing. And I started to hate school. I started to hate myself. I started to hate other people. I don't know how but that was effecting me so much that I didn't even realized until I understood that I started to do the same thing with my bff. And then I thought is that is selfish? To love yourself more and start to take care of yourself and stop this toxic friendship? Or should I hurt myself emocionally but make other human happy? I hoped you rode my previous post where I was talking about my New Years resolutions and that I had decided to stop everything what makes me feel unhappy.
And there was so many other moments like this when I understood that that person is not my real friend. Have you ever felt that way? That maybe you're never going to find yours friend/soulmate? Please, tell me about it in the comments below. Bye! - Rimantė

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