Self-love

  

I want to make 2018 different year for me and for my blog readers so I'll try to write about something important for me, like mental health and self-esteem. I really want to talk about self-esteem and how it changed over the years. 

When you think about your childhood do you think about what was happening in your mind at that time? Do you think that you were afraid what other people were thinking about you? Do you think that you were afraid that other people may condem you? So what happened over those years when you were just a simple child who thought only about having fun and didn't cared what other people thought?

Right now I have very low self-esteem. I can't remember the last time when I felt like I'm super talented and pretty and just didn't cared about other things because I were happy. Usually I feel like loser because it looks like everyone else knows what they're doing with their lives and that everyone has confidence which I don't have. 

I started to think that maybe my self-esteem became lower because of toxic friendship I'm in now, but when you think carefully my self-esteem was already low when I get into that friendship because your self-esteem can't just lower because of few words other people say. So then I thought about it for longer than usually, I understood that I started to feel like this a few years ago when I started to communicate more with my classmate from earlier school. She was amazing - brown long hair, smooth skin, long eyelashes, beautiful face features. At that time I were skinner than her but it doesn't made me to feel better about myself. I felt preasure to be as beautiful as she was even thought she never said anything about my appearance. I don't know if you can relate to but I felt like people liked her better because of her amazing look. I started to gain weight and my skin became very problematic. At that time of my life I felt very unpretty.

After that, I started to communicate with my current best friend. She's amazing - long wave hair, beautiful face features, very skinny, modern and unique style. And if I'm speaking only about her physical features I also have to say that she's beautiful and on the inside because she's very talented, friendly, easy-going, funny and more! And even thought she ALWAYS says that I'm pretty and talented and etc. I never feel like that when I'm around her becaue she's so awesome and I feel less interesting than her. 

And then I started to communicate with my toxic friend, it get even worse, so I have now very low self-esteem. I tried everything and at one point last year I felt very happy - I ate very healthy, did yoga almost everyday, meditated. My skin was a little smoother than usual and I had lost weight. Then, of course, I still thought I was fat but now then I look at the pictures I understand that I were skinny. And then I came back to where I started. 

So that's where I'm still. Feeling very unhappy and hating myself every morning. Waiting for the day to end so that I could finally go back to sleep and just for a few minutes imagine what it's like to feel beautiful, smart and skinny. 

So how do you deal with that? How to improve your self-esteem? I tried to come back to healthy eating, yoga and meditation but it's really hard and sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong because I still don't feel better. Please, tell me about it in the commets below. Bye! - Rimantė

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Notes to myself

What I want to talk about today? Well, after a long day (today I was very busy) I feel like I should talk about something very important in our lifes - firendship. For me, to make friends always was hard but after few years of searching for perfect squad I finally found what I was looking for. At first, everything were good, I liked my friends a lot, they liked me, we always had what to talk about, every lunch break we were sitting together, eating and gossiping about our school students. After a year I had to change school because finally I could go from countryside school to city school. First, I thought it was really cool and I finally I can leave this small countryside but what I wasn't thinking about was my friends and how I'm going to still stay connected to them.
It was hard. I lost connection with them almost immediately. We tried to meet every Friday but because we were studying in different schools it was very hard to do because if one Friday they have any event at their, another Friday there was event at my school. We all were busy and couldn't stay connected.
I and one of my friends were at summer camp together and it didn't worked as I hoped so she was the first of our friend group that we felt we were not bff's anymore. After these years they all started to go to city gimnasium. Then I had three friends and just one of them choosed to go to the same gimnasium where I was going.  This one friend is my only bff now. With one of the rest two I never felt very close to so I knew we won't be friends anymore and my other friend found a lot of new friends at his new gimnasium.
I felt alone. What I hadn't wrote about is how all this time I were and still am stuck in toxic friendship. When I left countryside scool and decided to go to city school I was going with my friend from art school together. We didn't spent much time together before that so I actually didn't knew her very well. First, it was like comments about my appearance and what I did wrong. I didn't felt like it was effecting me until I understood that I started to feel very insecure about myself. I always felt like I was arguing with her because no matter what I say she will always say the opposite thing. And I started to hate school. I started to hate myself. I started to hate other people. I don't know how but that was effecting me so much that I didn't even realized until I understood that I started to do the same thing with my bff. And then I thought is that is selfish? To love yourself more and start to take care of yourself and stop this toxic friendship? Or should I hurt myself emocionally but make other human happy? I hoped you rode my previous post where I was talking about my New Years resolutions and that I had decided to stop everything what makes me feel unhappy.
And there was so many other moments like this when I understood that that person is not my real friend. Have you ever felt that way? That maybe you're never going to find yours friend/soulmate? Please, tell me about it in the comments below. Bye! - Rimantė

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Soft illusion

Tsunaina by Malak Kabbani for Whitelies Magazine, September 2017

I'm back! God, I've missed so much... Christmas, New Years, it seems like all winter... I was so busy and I thought that I'll not write this blog anymore. I was so sure about this I almost deleted my blog but now I'm happy I didn't did that because I'll try to write here again. Last time I posted something was 2017 april, so I've missed all summer, autum and almost all winter and I'm so sorry about that. Now then I think how could I stop writting my blog because, honestly, I think this is one of the coolest things in my life and I really enjoying it.
I started a new chapter. I know, that most people have New Years resolutions and usually after a month people forget about what they've promised to themselfs, but I want this years to be more my selflove years. I want to feel good mentally and physically. So there are my few promises to myself:
1. drink more water. I need to confess that I almost don't drink water, because if there's a chance, I will always choose something else, like coke or soda. I believe it will help me to feel more healther and to my skin.
2. do yoga everyday for about 10 - 20 minutes. I wanted to start working about but honestly I'm not a big sports fan, so I'm starting with yoga, because it makes you feel calmer and at the same time stronger.
3. meditate. I used to meditate about one years ago almost everyday and it helped me to feel calmer and relaxed, because after school I usual;y feel stressed. I'm so sorry I stoped meditating and I hope this time I'll continue much longer.
4. eat healther. God, I love chocolate! I'll never be able to change my love for chocolate but I hope to have healthy habbits to eat more vegetables, fruits, nuts and other healthy food. Also, I hope I could come back to veganism.
5. take care of myself more. What I mean? Get out of toxics friendship. I'm in two years toxic friendship and I really hate it that I can't tell that person that I don't want to interact with them anymore because it makes me feel so selfish but what I understood after a little bit of time is that sometimes you have to choose who you want to hurt more - other person or yourself? And you're not selfish if you choose yourself! Sometimes you have to break free from these toxic and for you not good friendships.
I already wrote a lot. Another half I'll write in another post. I hope you stay healthy and happy. Hope you liked this post. Bye! - Rimantė.

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