I want to make 2018 different year for me and for my blog readers so I'll try to write about something important for me, like mental health and self-esteem. I really want to talk about self-esteem and how it changed over the years.
When you think about your childhood do you think about what was happening in your mind at that time? Do you think that you were afraid what other people were thinking about you? Do you think that you were afraid that other people may condem you? So what happened over those years when you were just a simple child who thought only about having fun and didn't cared what other people thought?
Right now I have very low self-esteem. I can't remember the last time when I felt like I'm super talented and pretty and just didn't cared about other things because I were happy. Usually I feel like loser because it looks like everyone else knows what they're doing with their lives and that everyone has confidence which I don't have.
I started to think that maybe my self-esteem became lower because of toxic friendship I'm in now, but when you think carefully my self-esteem was already low when I get into that friendship because your self-esteem can't just lower because of few words other people say. So then I thought about it for longer than usually, I understood that I started to feel like this a few years ago when I started to communicate more with my classmate from earlier school. She was amazing - brown long hair, smooth skin, long eyelashes, beautiful face features. At that time I were skinner than her but it doesn't made me to feel better about myself. I felt preasure to be as beautiful as she was even thought she never said anything about my appearance. I don't know if you can relate to but I felt like people liked her better because of her amazing look. I started to gain weight and my skin became very problematic. At that time of my life I felt very unpretty.
After that, I started to communicate with my current best friend. She's amazing - long wave hair, beautiful face features, very skinny, modern and unique style. And if I'm speaking only about her physical features I also have to say that she's beautiful and on the inside because she's very talented, friendly, easy-going, funny and more! And even thought she ALWAYS says that I'm pretty and talented and etc. I never feel like that when I'm around her becaue she's so awesome and I feel less interesting than her.
And then I started to communicate with my toxic friend, it get even worse, so I have now very low self-esteem. I tried everything and at one point last year I felt very happy - I ate very healthy, did yoga almost everyday, meditated. My skin was a little smoother than usual and I had lost weight. Then, of course, I still thought I was fat but now then I look at the pictures I understand that I were skinny. And then I came back to where I started.
So that's where I'm still. Feeling very unhappy and hating myself every morning. Waiting for the day to end so that I could finally go back to sleep and just for a few minutes imagine what it's like to feel beautiful, smart and skinny.
So how do you deal with that? How to improve your self-esteem? I tried to come back to healthy eating, yoga and meditation but it's really hard and sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong because I still don't feel better. Please, tell me about it in the commets below. Bye! - Rimantė
Images via Tumblr
